The Laws of Green* Buicks

I devote a lot of thought to driving.  Probably an inordinate amount.  Certainly more than most people; otherwise more of them would act as if there were thought processes going on in their heads during the task of getting from one place to another in a car - other than catching up on all their phone calls (but that's another post).


Today's thought occurred as I approached an intersection I would be going straight through and on up a two-lane hill.  Ahead of me, I saw it: the light metallic green* Buick 4-door.  It trundled into the intersection and slo-o-owly turned left, the way I'd be going.  Green* Buicks always do this.  I don't know if they have speed governors limiting them to 10 mph below any and all posted speed limits, but it seems they do.  I therefore wasn't too surprised when the brake lights lit up for no apparent reason only a car length beyond the intersection.  I was surprised at my good luck when it made an immediate right turn into a parking lot (without a signal).  It might have been mating, or a magnetic effect of some kind, because there was another green* Buick 4-door sitting there parked, waiting for it.  The first one had a clear and simple 180º turn to park beside the second but, as it got halfway through, it simply stopped; as though it had run into an invisible wall of Jell-O.  This is typical behavior of green* Buicks.


As I began to assess whether this was blog-worthy behavior to observe, a green* Taurus 4-door pulled out well in front of me and perfectly mimicked the behavior of a green* Buick.  It went 10 mph under the speed limit all the rest of the way downtown - in front of me.  From these things, I am now able to articulate The Laws of Green Buicks©.


The First Law of Green Buicks: Given any randomly-selected vehicle and a green Buick, the green Buick will invariably go slower.  It doesn't matter if the other vehicle is a tractor pulling an entire f***ing house behind it.  The green Buick will go slower.


The First Corollary of Green Buicks: If there is a green Buick in any lane of multiple lanes of traffic, that lane will go slower.  Yes; this is somewhat obvious, given the First Law, but sometimes we need to use incremental logic to completely understand how a process works.


The Second Law of Green Buicks:  If any vehicle stops in the middle of a street or intersection for no apparent reason, odds are better than even that it is a green Buick.  It appears that the drivers of green Buicks are always confused, lost, or simply bewildered.


The Third Law of Green Buicks:  At any given moment, there is present in every city in the United States at least one green Buick inappropriately displaying high beam, brake, and/or turn signal lights.


The Pontiac Corollary:  ALL Pontiacs equipped with fog lamps are ALWAYS displaying them inappropriately.  While I suspect that GM simply omitted the switch from all Pontiacs, I have yet to confirm this.  As it is a dead nameplate, the problem will self-resolve in a few short years.


The Fourth Law of Green Buicks:  If there is any potential obstruction of a lane within the view of any green Buick, the driver will slow to half normal speed or less.  This applies whether it is the same lane of travel, the next lane over, any lane over (could be six or more), or in any opposite lane across a divided fenced median.


The Distributive Law of Green 4-Doors:  Two-thirds of all light metallic green 4-door sedans are driven according to the Laws of Green Buicks.  While you can depend on the majority of light metallic green 4-doors being driven like green Buicks, the percentage is markedly lower, depending on the make.  There are, for example, light metallic green Dodge Intrepids which are only rarely driven this badly.


The Law of Opposites:  In the event a green Buick is observed operating outside the Laws of Green Buicks, it will almost invariably be driven by a 41-year-old divorced male whose license is under suspension from his last conviction for Operating Under the Influence.


So there you have it.  The first in what will undoubtedly become a long list of random complaints about traffic and those who make it miserable.


* Because I am red-green colorblind, light metallic green looks about the same as light metallic gold to me.  So, if you plan to point out the error of my choice of colors of obstructive cars, take it as applying equally to light metallic gold Buicks, as well.